Admit it!

I know I said that I would work backwards and tell the story but unfortunately for you (the reader) this blog may read like a really bad term paper.  Jumping all over the place!

Today was one of those days. I had a breakdown. These happen periodically and honestly I think it is healthy!

As I was driving into school this morning, Tenth Avenue North's song, Healing Begins was on The Message on Sirius.  The song begins as follows...

So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside

So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

I started to cry, but then I said a little prayer and told myself "pull yourself together, Laik is going to be just fine"....tears dry up and I pull into the entrance at school.

A friend sees me pull in, stops walking and waits on me.  I'm certain my eyes are red from the "moment" and I try to pull on the "I'm ok" face.  Epic failure.  She asks, "what's wrong?"  Waterworks spring into action again!  Bless her heart...she was just being kind.

So to make a long story short, we talked.  I expressed my fear of the journey I am on with a son with T12p (my new reference for Trisomy 12p) and the faith that I proclaim to deal with it.

The problem with this is....I am scared.   I have never been a very patient person and the unknown scares me, a lot!  Since Laik's birth I have built up walls to protect him, I thought, but ultimately I was protecting myself. 

So today, I am knocking down the walls.  Take away the fear, the worry, the doubt and let the healing of this wound begin to heal!  The day that Todd and I were told that Laik had a chromosomal disorder, I admit,  my heart ached for the little boy that I dreamed of during my pregnancy.  Now, after 10 months with Laik,  I cannot imagine life without the baby boy that God chose for me!  Without Todd, my wonderful and ever faithful, non-worrying husband, by my side this journey would be nil. 


Isn't it ironic how just one song can make you open your eyes and see the light?  Admit it, it is!